Letting Go / Why We Hold On To Painful Memories - An Exercise!

As some of you reading this may or may not know, I recently hit one year sober (!!!!) and one year living in Ottawa, which means in about a month I will have been doing some sort of therapy regularly for my trauma and substance abuse issues. At about a year in, and a year sober, I feel like most things have clicked into place. In 2020 I have been put in the position to deny both drugs and alcohol and I did. The pandemic brought me closer to the family I needed to reconcile with. I have started to value myself in the ways that were lacking before.

So what's left?

A very big part of me does not feel 'fixed' or past everything that has happened. Part of that is due to the majority of my trauma being caused by intimate relationships and not being able to actively work on that without a partner. I can't make sure that I value myself enough in an argument with a significant other not to compromise my morals or values if there is no other person to practice with. Thanks, COVID. Relationships aside there still feels like there is a huge disconnect between me accepting what has happened and getting over I, and I didn't expect that. 

I thought that once I wrote my amends to those who I hurt while sober, forgave myself, forgave my parents, accepted that I would never get apologies from those who hurt me I would suddenly be 'over' everything that has happened. Maybe that was my mistake, or a misconception I had about how I would react to therapy, but despite doing all of this work it still felt as though a lot of these moments weighed on my mind. After expressing this my therapist gave me an exercise.

I had to list 3-5 things/people in these 4 columns: THINGS I NEED TO FUNCTION/ PLACES THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME / PERSONS WHO MADE ME WHO I AM / MEMORIES I WANT TO KEEP

After filling 3 - 5 things under each column you must then remove all but 4. Then you must ask yourself why you are keeping what you are keeping and why you are getting rid of what you chose to discard from the list. One of the people who I feel made me who I am is only because of the trauma that has shaped and transformed me. I do not want to keep any aspect of this person. If that's the case, then why would I be holding on to items that bring back memories of this person? My therapist then asked me if I felt that my traumatic memories had served there purpose? Sure, I couldn't know if I was going to be a good intimate partner and still care about myself, but I was certainly more careful with my heart and who had access to it. If I felt that I did not need these memories to continue to teach me a lesson, then why was I holding on to momentos? What did I need to remember? My answer was that I wanted proof that I could be loved and love, despite how toxic the relationship had been. My therapist said if I didn't believe that, then why was I dating? Clearly some part of me believed I was worthy of love, connection, affection. So did I need to keep a sweater that I wore during a trauma? Probably not. 

After doing this exercise I realized I felt like I wasn't moving on because I hadn't come to terms with the fact that it was over: the relationship, the trauma. There would be no further conversations or memories made with this person. It was over. Saying that to my therapist aloud and realizing it felt like a big piece of myself did finally let go. All this exercise did was change my perspective and the way I was thinking about what I needed to let go of. I was trying to let go of specific nights, specific moments, not the entire person - and I need to. 

After this exercise my therapist also shared with me the idea that some people's comments and thoughts should mean as much as someone ranting and raving on a city bus. It won't affect me in the long run, shouldn't affect the outcome of my day, because I don't know this person and I don't need to put that much value into how others think and feel about me and my choices.

I really enjoyed both aspects of letting go of people and memories I don't need, and learning to care less about what people think in this way. And of course none of these ideas were completely new but hearing it worded differently and done in a way that made me re-analyse the situation was truly helpful.

XOXO 

Cropberry