If You're Reading This: I'm Sorry

Countless resources and websites list "making amends" as part of the road to recovery

and/or sobriety. Alcohol and other drugs, while numbing you from pain, also numb you to the reality around you. While using, I didn't think I needed to apologize or make amends for any of my behaviours. I felt misunderstood, and that my actions were valid. Now that I am 7 months sober, I can look back at my actions for the last five years and see that they ranged from insensitive, to flaky, to abhorrent. For about five years I was selfish in my use. I would prioritize using, and socializing with those who enabled my addictions, rather than any commitments previously made or socializing with any real friends. I was really only drinking to numb the pain I was dealing with, and then would continue to drink out of guilt for having not followed through with my commitments. It became a very vicious cycle until I would finally apologize and make things right, for about a week, and then fall into repeating all those same actions. Through the years I burned bridges with my actions, lost friends, and put the ones who stuck around through some really hard times. They say the more sober you become the more raw emotions become. Every time I would see a Facebook memory of me at an event I remember being an hour late to, showing up inebriated, or ruining it by leaving early to be with other people -- I could feel guilt set in. Of course, I can't change the choices I made, but I often felt guilty for what I had done. I recently turned to my trusty therapist and asked his opinion on making amends. He informed me that it is a big part of the 12-step program, and there were plenty of benefits as long as I was truly apologizing and not holding any grudges for the actions my friends took to protect themselves from my toxic behaviour. I told him about the specific friends I wanted to apologize to, and set out to write heartfelt messages. To my relief, they were all met with positive responses and zero ill will. It felt freeing to know that at least some of the bad things I had done I no longer had to carry with me. However, I do not feel that my work is done. If you are reading this and you feel I have hurt you or wronged you, I am sorry. I am sorry for being drunk and disorderly in public. I am sorry for the events I ruined with my obnoxious behaviour. I'm sorry to the people who were speaking to me and I made myself more important than what they were saying. I'm sorry for all of the illegal things I did while, or due to, my lack of sobriety. I'm sorry for the attitude I carried myself with, as if I was better than people and the centre of attention. I am sorry to everyone I made a commitment to that I flaked on, from plans, to work shifts, to school engagements. I am sorry for the debts I amassed, the people I made uncomfortable asking for loans when they knew full well I was going to spend it on substances. I am sorry for the moments I cannot recall that are amazing, and every bad thing I did while black-out that I can't even properly apologize for. I am sorry to myself for ever hating myself so much I let this happen. I am sorry I did not protect my body and soul with all that I had and not treasure it then. I am sorry I let people touch you, and hurt you, who never deserved you. I am sorry I put you in situations where men took advantage of your weakened state and forced themselves onto you, where you would lose your tooth, where drinking became the only way to forget what you were putting yourself through. I am sorry I ever forgot all of the amazing things that you are: strong, resilient, brave, courageous, passionate, and a survivor’s daughter. I regret letting this way of living give me a reputation, and overshadow the hardworking nature and passion I carry with myself daily. I am letting go of the person I was for five years, living only moment to moment and trying to drown the past. I am facing my past head on, letting go of it, and forging ahead. I am finding peace in forgiving myself. If I have ever hurt you I hope you are able to forgive me as well. Thank you for reading this.
XOXO, Cropberry