Forgiving the Past

A lot of the blogs I have written have been self-prompted. Deemed "insightful" by my therapist, I took initiative for a lot of these blogs and recognized why it was necessary to write them. This one was my therapist’s idea, and not mine. In all of our discussions surrounding my assault, my mom, my addictions I have yet to forgive myself for my actions, the ones that make me feel at fault. I constantly have this back and forth in my head where I am able to say I understand I am not at fault for my mom's dementia, for having been assaulted, for the way I dealt with my traumas, and then I say "Buuuuut..."

Though I know I am not responsible, I constantly feel I made mistakes that lead to these events; or, I could have known better, I could have been better, done better. And though I want to be able to move on from these events, my fear is that I have not learned from these mistakes and once given the opportunity I will repeat them. I will seek out male attention at any means, despite knowing I was assaulted before. I will drink thinking I have self-control, and end up in risky situations. I feel like I need evidence I've learned to be able to move on from what happened, when really I need to forgive myself and accept what happened to learn and grow from it.

First of all, there is nothing I could have done to prevent my mom's dementia. She is and was her own person who chose to fight her demons the only way she knew how. It was not my job to teach her or show her that alcohol was not the answer. I was only a child, and no matter how hard this process is, I need to remember that I can learn from this and choose a better path (I have said a lot of this in a previous blog).

It is also not my fault for choosing substance abuse as a means to treat my trauma. Once I realized that drinking/drug abuse numbed the pain, that the attention from men at bars felt good, that partying all night was better than being alone with my demons, there was no looking back. Furthermore, because of my mom I have a genetic disposition to craving alcohol that took over as soon as I started consuming it. In group therapy we often speak to the fact that if drinking/doing drugs didn't work to numb our pain we wouldn't all be doing it. None of us liked that our lives have spiralled out of control. None of us woke up and thought, "I'm going to drink until I'm blackout." Which leads me to my next point: I never woke up thinking I would drink until someone raped me. That was never a goal, never something I imagined would happen. I think I naively thought it would never happen to me, that no one I ever associated with would have that kind of ill-intent. Alcohol also impairs your judgement. As someone who’s already trusting, clearly drunk-Hillary would never think badly of anyone.

It's not my fault that I wanted attention that I had never previously received. It's not my fault that I got hurt, heartbroken, assaulted. I was never shown what healthy relationships look like, what healthy love is, what healthy attention is. I am now learning what that looks like when I watch my family interact with each other, and interact with me. Now that I am sober I am very aware of why I want the attention that I do want. I have the skills to ask myself why I am doing what I am doing, to take a step back and analyze what I will get out of a situation. I am more cautious in how I interact with men, and moving forward will be more careful with my body. Maybe I will never drink again and that will be the way I ensure my safety. Maybe I will learn how to healthily drink so that if I want to, it won't be detrimental to my health and safety. 

While I regret the choices I made, I did not know better. Once I was in a vicious cycle of using to numb a pain, and then to forget the shame I felt for being an addict, it was game over. I now know better. Statistically speaking it seems like most women get assaulted, most teens and young adults have a wild phase. Maybe this was bound to happen one way or another. Without these choices I might not be building a relationship with my father.

I may not be at fault for the root causes but I also did nothing to help myself. It is much easier to be the victim and stay numb to the world. As the only way an addict knows to cope and protect themselves, it's so much simpler to be constantly checked out. I recognize that I did not want help, I did not want to change. I was content to wallow in my self-pity, and though that lifestyle was doing nothing good for me, I could not recognize the pain it was causing ether.

And I forgive myself for that. For wanting to stay "safe" in the comfort of drunk, "safe" from my memories, and thoughts and fears. For thinking that my memories were scarier the situations I was putting myself in. I forgive myself for not realizing how dangerously I was living, and how risky my behaviour was. I forgive myself for doing what I said I wouldn't and following in my mother's alcoholic ways. I forgive myself for wanting every night to end differently. I forgive myself for trying to be the party girl, the smart girl and the bimbo model when I was just...me. I believe that I am not at fault for the root causes of my addictions, but my behaviours were one of someone who was content being an addict. I forgive myself for being naive enough to think this addiction wouldn't swallow me whole. And I am happy I realized I could make it out alive. 

I am able to control what I do with these lessons and I feel that I now have better judgement, better coping skills, and a better sense of myself. 

Feeling lighter,

Cropberry.