7 Months Sober!

7 months sober. 212 days. This road has been far from easy, and I know some people who read my blog are also walking this path. I wanted to use the space of this blog post to celebrate my accomplishment, by explaining exactly how I've managed to keep myself from drinking. The biggest reason that I managed to stop abusing substances was by moving in with my family. Living with people who love you instantly gives you a support system. I now have people to vent to when I'm upset, people to remind me of my values, and to give me perspective. I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have this option, but even living with some people who hold you accountable – of your actions, your words, to yourself – is so beneficial. If you feel shame for your use, then clearly you feel there is an issue with it. It has been a blessing in disguise that the family I am staying with are Muslim: no drinking or drugs allowed; no temptation from recreational users. Not only are these people making sure I stick to my own goals and stay on the straight and narrow, they have zero interest in any part of the lifestyle I've led before. Since admitting my addiction problems, I have spent time with other members of my family who have still insisted that, "Just one drink won't kill you." I am thankful to live with people who don't even have cooking wine. I needed to stop using for myself, and to keep the relationships I had. I finally admitted to myself that this was the end of the line. I couldn't afford the lifestyle I was living – financially, mentally, or emotionally. I really think that if you, the person wanting to become sober, do not fully want to change, then you won't. There are countless times I would say that, "This drink will be the last," "I'm wasting too much money," "I'm going to lose my job." But those reasons evaporated the next day when something would trigger a reason to drink. I had to take a long, hard look at who I was becoming, who I had been, and who I wanted to be, and carve a new path for myself. Again, knowing I was moving home to start over financially really helped me to also solidify changing my drinking habits. Not only did having my immediate family help because they were a support system, this side of my family also believes greatly in using community resources. Being multicultural, they know tons of community resources I could scour through to try to find mental health services. By my second week here, I was assessed at a hospital for my PTSD and substance abuse issues, and put on waitlists for two sobriety groups. Fortunately, these waitlist groups had such a high demand that they created secondary groups for the people on the waitlist so we weren't without resources. When I first attended the group at Rideauwood, I was extremely nervous and skeptical. I didn't think sitting in a room with a bunch of old alcoholics would make me feel better because I was young, and capable, and this wasn't "rock bottom," rather a blip on my radar. I just needed to have people around me and a job and I would be cured, right? While the people and job certainly helped, I began to love my weekly meetings with people in the same boat as me. They understood things I felt that no one else did. They understood the constant temptation, the spiel you give yourself daily ensuring that THIS time drinking will be different and non-chaotic, knowing you need to stop but unsure where to start. This specific group was skill oriented, meaning each week we learned a new coping-mechanism, or skill to use in place of the reflex of using. Because of my age, I was also fortunate enough to start one-on-one counselling at Rideauwood and have a counsellor listen to my traumas, my weekly stories, and help me unpack them with new skills. At the Amethyst Group, which I also attended, we were encouraged to use our time to vent and reflect on our week and relate to the other members' stories. Amethyst is also a women's only group, which was relieving. Not everyone has access to the resources I listed above, and not everyone who has access may feel comfortable starting off there. Before I started these groups, I downloaded the app I Am Sober. This wasn’t my first foray into sobriety-tracking/sobriety auto-accountability apps. While it isn’t the same as professional help, I found taking a step (even as small as downloading such an app) made me feel I was headed the right direction. This app tells you the amount of money you have saved since being sober, and sends you positive affirmations. It encourages you each morning to pledge that you will stay sober for the entirety of the day, asks you how your day was at the end of each day, and has features like journaling to keep track of your feelings and emotions on top of allowing you to see testimonials from others. Your sobriety milestones are celebrated, and on those numbered days you can share your accomplishments within the app with other users. Rideauwood had worksheets whose function was similar to the app, asking you about your mood, your day, who you spent time with, what you did to pass the time, and other questions that seem friendly and routine. I hate to say this, but I also have to thank COVID-19. Out of the 7 months I've been sober, 3 of them I spent social-distancing. For someone who's a social drinker, this has been a blessing. It's easy to stay sober when there are no clubs to go to, no bars to watch sports in, no dates to go on. I would almost exclusively drink in a social setting. I would go to a bar every night, drink at clubs, drink on dates. No where to go, no drinks to consume, easy-peasy. Lastly, some of the amazing things I have learned in the 7 months that helped me reason with myself: • There is something called the ACEs test that determines your Adverse Childhood Experiences. If this number is greater than 4 you are likely more susceptible to a wide variety of issues, including drinking and drug use, often as a reaction or coping mechanism to your experiences. I have complicated feelings about the test, but it’s worth checking out at the very least. • Shaming yourself can prolong your substance abuse. When you feel guilt and shame, the easiest way to rid yourself of that feeling is increasing dopamine and the quickest way to do that is get high or drunk. • Speaking of shame, you are only doing what works for you. Drinking WORKS to numb pain. It WORKS when trying to erase a bad day, or feelings from a bad memory. If it didn't work, we wouldn't be doing it. You are also using the easiest coping skill you have. It is much harder to face your fears head on, to admit you have a problem, to do the right thing. • It is hard, but silencing the inner critic in your head is a must. We always speak so harshly to ourselves. If you can't imagine saying those words to a loved one or a pet, then you should not say it to yourself. You are allowed to make mistakes; you are allowed to slip up. Be kind to yourself. You’re the only person you have for the rest of your life – love them. • Lastly, recovery is not linear. Recovery doesn’t have to be complete sobriety. Recovery can be decreasing use to something manageable. Being sober for 5 months and then getting 'lit' one weekend does not erase the 5 months you put in. I am no expert. I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who want what's best for me, to have the above resources at my disposal and to have the strength not to give up on myself. Not everyone is there yet, and that's okay too. If you've read any of this and have questions about my sobriety or just need an ear, I am here.

XOXO, Cropberry