6 Months in Ottawa - 6 Months Sober
The cast of RENT answered how to measure a year by measuring the moments of love, so how do you measure half a year? The past 6 months have been an absolute roller coaster of new experiences and emotions. Globally, the world has changed forever with the arrival of COVID-19. Personally, on October 28th I moved to Ottawa. Now contrary to popular belief, I did not make this decision because of a break down or because of my lack of sobriety. The choice was made because of a falling out of sorts amongst roommates and my lack of money to support finding a new apartment in the ridiculous Toronto housing market. That being said, the move helped my mental state drastically.
When I first got here, I didn't expect things to go smoothly. I was moving in with four people I had never lived with before, who practiced a different religion, a different cultural background and who I believed had only finally decided to take interest in me. I was coming here with 25 accumulated years of trauma, brainwashing, PTSD, substance abuse issues and the attitude that I didn't need anyone - I could help myself.
When I first got here, both of my brothers were in Montreal studying and my father was working ridiculous hours. So I spent the first three months here bonding with my step-mother. I learned that she and my dad were both active parents and very interested in everything I was doing, helping me find resources, helping me make lists and spreadsheets and budgets. In the mental state I was in, it felt exhausting but I wanted ultimately to prove myself so I did everything they asked. Some of these tasks I had were finding resources to help continue my therapy and sobriety which led me to attend group therapy sessions at Rideauwood and Amethyst. I also started working two weeks after getting here which kept me busy and out of trouble.
Through those first three months I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was. To better explain, I spent 22 years living with a mom who encouraged the belief that my dad was the bad guy. I spent 3 years after waiting for him to finally prove that he wasn't. I felt orphaned by my mom having dementia, expecting him to step up and never doing so. A lot of my therapy sessions were entered around my resentment toward him for leaving me with an alcoholic mom, for never coming once she got sick, for abandoning me. I had resentment for her too. She's the one who let herself get sick, who painted him as this bad guy that I was slowly realizing he was not. I spent many sessions trying to be friends with myself, remember I am not the hand I was dealt, that I managed to get to the other side of all of this trauma with a kick-ass sense of humour and some wild stories, but overall OK. I learned how to silence the inner critic in my head, to give radical compassion to the people who hurt me that maybe never knew better, who had tried their best, and to slowly let go.
Then COVID-19 began. Suddenly we were five people under one roof with my dad and my step-mom working from home and both brothers back from university. I spent a lot of time in my room when I wasn't at work because it was overwhelming. They were loud and opinionated and they ate my food and I felt frustrated and lost. I was watching the real family from the outside daily. I'm not sure what changed in the last few months, but slowly we became one cohesive unit. They started asking me for help with their hair, and skin care routines. I got told stories from Senegal and had dance parties in the kitchen. Through this I was still seeing my therapist and able to dissect my emotions and explain myself to someone neutral, so I could better explain them to the people I lived with.
I hate to say this, but without COVID-19 I'm not sure my bond with these people would have developed quite as quickly. It's also very convenient that the world stopped during a time in my life where I am trying to find myself. All there is to do is self-reflect. I can't go clubbing, or drink - everything is closed. I can't date people I know full well are bad for me - no where to go. I've been able to learn all about the people I live with and do things I never thought I would, like have my dad read me a bedtime story. So I am thankful for this very scary time in our lives for a few specific reasons. I am also thankful I made the choice to move to Ottawa despite all of the fears I had. In 6 months I have forged new relationships, ended outstanding debts, learned to love myself and stayed sober. Here's to 6 more months sober.
Stay healthy & Safe,
Cropberry
When I first got here, I didn't expect things to go smoothly. I was moving in with four people I had never lived with before, who practiced a different religion, a different cultural background and who I believed had only finally decided to take interest in me. I was coming here with 25 accumulated years of trauma, brainwashing, PTSD, substance abuse issues and the attitude that I didn't need anyone - I could help myself.
When I first got here, both of my brothers were in Montreal studying and my father was working ridiculous hours. So I spent the first three months here bonding with my step-mother. I learned that she and my dad were both active parents and very interested in everything I was doing, helping me find resources, helping me make lists and spreadsheets and budgets. In the mental state I was in, it felt exhausting but I wanted ultimately to prove myself so I did everything they asked. Some of these tasks I had were finding resources to help continue my therapy and sobriety which led me to attend group therapy sessions at Rideauwood and Amethyst. I also started working two weeks after getting here which kept me busy and out of trouble.
Through those first three months I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was. To better explain, I spent 22 years living with a mom who encouraged the belief that my dad was the bad guy. I spent 3 years after waiting for him to finally prove that he wasn't. I felt orphaned by my mom having dementia, expecting him to step up and never doing so. A lot of my therapy sessions were entered around my resentment toward him for leaving me with an alcoholic mom, for never coming once she got sick, for abandoning me. I had resentment for her too. She's the one who let herself get sick, who painted him as this bad guy that I was slowly realizing he was not. I spent many sessions trying to be friends with myself, remember I am not the hand I was dealt, that I managed to get to the other side of all of this trauma with a kick-ass sense of humour and some wild stories, but overall OK. I learned how to silence the inner critic in my head, to give radical compassion to the people who hurt me that maybe never knew better, who had tried their best, and to slowly let go.
Then COVID-19 began. Suddenly we were five people under one roof with my dad and my step-mom working from home and both brothers back from university. I spent a lot of time in my room when I wasn't at work because it was overwhelming. They were loud and opinionated and they ate my food and I felt frustrated and lost. I was watching the real family from the outside daily. I'm not sure what changed in the last few months, but slowly we became one cohesive unit. They started asking me for help with their hair, and skin care routines. I got told stories from Senegal and had dance parties in the kitchen. Through this I was still seeing my therapist and able to dissect my emotions and explain myself to someone neutral, so I could better explain them to the people I lived with.
I hate to say this, but without COVID-19 I'm not sure my bond with these people would have developed quite as quickly. It's also very convenient that the world stopped during a time in my life where I am trying to find myself. All there is to do is self-reflect. I can't go clubbing, or drink - everything is closed. I can't date people I know full well are bad for me - no where to go. I've been able to learn all about the people I live with and do things I never thought I would, like have my dad read me a bedtime story. So I am thankful for this very scary time in our lives for a few specific reasons. I am also thankful I made the choice to move to Ottawa despite all of the fears I had. In 6 months I have forged new relationships, ended outstanding debts, learned to love myself and stayed sober. Here's to 6 more months sober.
Stay healthy & Safe,
Cropberry
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