I'm Back Baby!
In more ways than one, I have returned.
I thought moving to Toronto would be the fresh start I needed. I thought I would move there and all of my problems would disappear. That the person I had turned into, who was holding all of this anger and resentment toward my parents, would just resolve itself and I could be normal. Of course that's not what happened. I kept drinking so I had an excuse to go out and make friends because school wasn't what I expected. Fast forward through two years of still abusing my body, hating myself, and trying to solve the issue without really accepting the help I needed - here we are.
Moving 'home' felt awful. Firstly I felt like a failure. I left Moncton with all of these big dreams (and a degree) and felt like I did nothing with those ambitious goals. Looking back, sure I did acomplish some super cool things within the fashion industry, but walking away from it meant that none of it was enough. I didn't continue therapy. I didn't finish my second degree. I left my job and my friends to move to Ottawa.
If those feelings weren't awful enough, I was moving into a home I had only just started considered home. I had never felt comfortable being myself in front of my dad. He was much stricter, a stranger to me who I had been conditioned to dislike. AT 25, I would be living under his roof, following his rules.
But now I'm here. And it isn't hell. I miss my friends, and Maxwell, and sure doing my own thing without consequence was wonderful. But I was in a place where I was actively hurting myself, and lying to people I loved because no one could follow me, watch me, keep me accountable. Now I have people asking me daily how my mental state is, if I need more support, and most importantly unlimited food and love (lol).
I have two jobs at the moment, though I've only started one, and have met some new people! I even did some modelling, just don't tell. I also have found a new mental health service which I will report back on. I'm bringing back the blog, hopefully soon I'll have vlogs and videos back too.
XOXO,
Cropberry
I thought moving to Toronto would be the fresh start I needed. I thought I would move there and all of my problems would disappear. That the person I had turned into, who was holding all of this anger and resentment toward my parents, would just resolve itself and I could be normal. Of course that's not what happened. I kept drinking so I had an excuse to go out and make friends because school wasn't what I expected. Fast forward through two years of still abusing my body, hating myself, and trying to solve the issue without really accepting the help I needed - here we are.
Moving 'home' felt awful. Firstly I felt like a failure. I left Moncton with all of these big dreams (and a degree) and felt like I did nothing with those ambitious goals. Looking back, sure I did acomplish some super cool things within the fashion industry, but walking away from it meant that none of it was enough. I didn't continue therapy. I didn't finish my second degree. I left my job and my friends to move to Ottawa.
If those feelings weren't awful enough, I was moving into a home I had only just started considered home. I had never felt comfortable being myself in front of my dad. He was much stricter, a stranger to me who I had been conditioned to dislike. AT 25, I would be living under his roof, following his rules.
But now I'm here. And it isn't hell. I miss my friends, and Maxwell, and sure doing my own thing without consequence was wonderful. But I was in a place where I was actively hurting myself, and lying to people I loved because no one could follow me, watch me, keep me accountable. Now I have people asking me daily how my mental state is, if I need more support, and most importantly unlimited food and love (lol).
I have two jobs at the moment, though I've only started one, and have met some new people! I even did some modelling, just don't tell. I also have found a new mental health service which I will report back on. I'm bringing back the blog, hopefully soon I'll have vlogs and videos back too.
XOXO,
Cropberry
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