I Came Forward About My Assault and It Didn't Benefit Me

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault is mentioned (but not described in any graphic way). Please don't read if this will upset you.

Sexual Assault. Feminism. The Me Too Movement. The Times Up Movement. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. This year has been one of the most eye opening and unabashedly honest years in history for women. As a group we have come forward to either share our various degrees of pain or have come forward to stand together for what we believe is right, for the most part.

There are still a surprising number of women and a large amount of men who choose to question whether a person claiming to be a sexual assault victim (usually a female victim, but I'm sure this happens to men as well). As someone who has recently come forward about one of my sexual assaults (and yes there are many that I haven't even discussed) I feel I need to clear the air on why we should believe women who come forward and why women often wait to come forward. I want to be clear that I am aware many men do not come forward either, or are not believed as well, but I am speaking from my personal experiences and experiences I have heard from other women. I stand with ALL sexual assault victims: male, female, non-binary etc. I just do not have a point of view or reference to discuss anything but my own personal experiences, and I would hate to blur a line or say something untrue unless I am 100% educated on a topic.

First and foremost, I came forward recently with a video on my Youtube channel about being assaulted by a member of the Canadian band Hedley, and though all of my friends came forward and supported me, I also got a few messages saying that I was asking for it, that it was my fault I was assaulted for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, that waiting two years to tell my story clearly meant it was BS. The reason I released the video was to stand with the victims who had pressed charges, because I knew from experience they were probably telling the truth and I saw on Twitter a few hundred messages from people saying they stood with Hedley, they even created a hashtag stating such, people still went to concerts and it was enraging. I must have read the sentence 'innocent until proven guilty' a hundred times, and yes, while that is the law in Canada I don't understand why people think any victim would make this up.

What do people think happens when you come out to the world saying "I was assaulted" or "I was raped" or "This man did something to me"? It seems as though people think these victims want 15 minutes of fame, or money, or something. Coming forward and saying you were raped is not the same as blackmail or extortion. No victim who comes forward benefits from admitting this. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford received death threats and was unable to go home for days because she felt unsafe. I received comments and Instagram DMs telling me I had gotten what I deserved. Why would a victim of any assault willingly ask to be further beaten down? 

Admitting you were assaulted, in case no one has realized this, is extremely embarrassing and shameful. As women we're supposed to be dainty and pretty but strong enough to constantly defend ourselves. We're supposed to wear lipstick, but hold our keys in our hands as weapons and carry pepper spray. Admitting you're a victim feels like putting a target on your back saying 'I wasn't strong enough' and it feels like you're welcoming even more people to hurt you, in my experience. Maybe no one has thought of this but putting your face forward and saying "Hi, I was raped" immediately makes that person feel weak. I imagined ever person watching my video picturing me getting assaulted and cried because no one wants anyone to see themselves like that. So why would I come forward for a benefit? What benefit? 

People ask why I waited two years and firstly, I blamed myself for years thinking that it was my fault, when it wasn't. When I made this video I knew people would say that to me and I was right, but in that two years I grew a thick enough skin to accept that people would say it - not every victim can do that. Some people survive assaults, some commit suicide, become severely depressed, etc. Hearing people ask 'how do we know she is telling the truth' is infuriating because I cannot imagine why a woman would lie about such a horrific experience.

Furthermore, I have been physically assaulted by an ex and people chose not to believe me and told me I was crazy despite bruises I had. I was attacked on a separate occasion and lost a tooth and had to drop out of school and now I might not get student loans despite having two doctor notes and school records to prove that the reason I missed school was medical and not just dropping out. I was once forced into a sexual experience and was told I lied about it because I was worried the guy I loved would get angry at me. So thats four separate instances I have been assaulted in different ways and what did talking about it get me: I lost friends, was accused of being crazy, was told  I made something up because of a MAN and I might not be able to get any credits this semester. I wish someone would look me in the eye now and tell me that I'm lying about this. Why would I lie only to feel embarrassed, ashamed and lose people I thought were my friends?

If you are one of these people, I would encourage you to put yourself in the position of a victim and think about why they would lie. I understand believing in being innocent before being proven guilty, but at some point you have to weigh out why anyone would willingly come forward about these topics and feel shame, risk their jobs, their friendships and their livelihoods. I think women who come forward are some of the bravest people because they come forward not only to get justice, but to help other victims feel safe and not alone. To think that these women would rather risk their livelihoods in order to help someone else who's a victim feel that much stronger is empowering. 

I hope someone reading this has had their eyes opened, even just slightly, on victim shaming and why I believe people who come forward as victims. If you are reading this and you are a victim of any sort of abuse, I stand with you, I will listen to you, I am one of you.

XOXO,

Cropberry