Admitting Defeat Is Part of the Process
I'm writing this at 7:13 AM, on a day that hopefully works out to my benefit. Mental health is a weird thing. It's not like a physical illness where a doctor can tell you how long until a bone will heal, or a cut that you can watch scab over. Having mental illnesses feels like walking around as an uncompleted puzzle and trying to find anything that will fill that hole. Some things fill it successfully but don't match the picture, some things do, and it's really a guessing game until you hopefully find something that makes you happy while also keeping you safe, successful etc.
As you all know, if you read my blog often, I started taking Naltrexone thinking that would help my drinking. Well, guess who was wrong about that? Part of the process is admitting the real problem, and maybe Naltrexone was wrong for me because I hadn't really admitted what my issue was. Drinking is definitely a problem with me, and I really wanted to believe I could be a social drinker with these pills. That I could have a drink, or two, and stop myself. I've been taking these pills for months now, and I'm not sure if I just drank enough each time that it would over ride the pills (three shots in 30 minutes will get you drunk and then you forget you're on medication, or trying to limit you're drinking, now you just want to have a great time/be drunker), or if thinking I could be a social drinker was me hoping I could control myself, but it isn't working. Despite taking these pills I either drank in excess while on them, or would drink a small amount but almost everyday for weeks on end. So, I'm back to square one...but not really.
These pills made me realize that it's not drinking that I want. I miss my friends, and home, and my mom and I have yet to deal with the grief that comes with dementia, with having absent parents, with having abusive relationship after abusive relationship, with being assaulted physically and sexually. I just kept taking punch after punch and drinking to either forget about it, to feel popular, to feel cool or to feel like I had friends. News flash: People who drink at the same bar every night are not friends, they are strangers who enable you in this weird addiction that society is more accepting of than it should be in my opinion.
Today I'm going to my doctor and I'm admitting that these pills only made me realize that I want to drink because I'm depressed and not because I'm craving alcohol. To be clear, once alcohol gets in my system I find it impossible to stop - so I'm not saying I don't have an addiction. I definitely have a problem with alcohol, but I'm consuming it to feel better/less lonely not because I like the taste, or anything like that. Maybe I'll get prescribed anti-depressants, maybe I'll get a therapist. I refuse to oppose anything that can help me get through this. It is very hard realizing that you are smart, have potential, have drive but there's an obstacle that feels unsurmountable in your way to being great. I hate feeling like anything will stop me. Nothing has stopped me yet and I won't let this stop me either.
It's okay to admit that something isn't working, that you need help, that you can't help yourself. Hopefully today will be a big step forward in my mental health journey. Hopefully today will be day 1 of complete sobriety. I will always keep trying to be my best self. You are your first best friend. You are the author of your story. You are your biggest obstacle.
I hope anyone reading this needing that extra push, or looking at my social medias thinking I was 'killing it in Toronto' realizes that we all struggle and it's okay to admit it.
Happy Monday,
Cropberry XOXO
As you all know, if you read my blog often, I started taking Naltrexone thinking that would help my drinking. Well, guess who was wrong about that? Part of the process is admitting the real problem, and maybe Naltrexone was wrong for me because I hadn't really admitted what my issue was. Drinking is definitely a problem with me, and I really wanted to believe I could be a social drinker with these pills. That I could have a drink, or two, and stop myself. I've been taking these pills for months now, and I'm not sure if I just drank enough each time that it would over ride the pills (three shots in 30 minutes will get you drunk and then you forget you're on medication, or trying to limit you're drinking, now you just want to have a great time/be drunker), or if thinking I could be a social drinker was me hoping I could control myself, but it isn't working. Despite taking these pills I either drank in excess while on them, or would drink a small amount but almost everyday for weeks on end. So, I'm back to square one...but not really.
These pills made me realize that it's not drinking that I want. I miss my friends, and home, and my mom and I have yet to deal with the grief that comes with dementia, with having absent parents, with having abusive relationship after abusive relationship, with being assaulted physically and sexually. I just kept taking punch after punch and drinking to either forget about it, to feel popular, to feel cool or to feel like I had friends. News flash: People who drink at the same bar every night are not friends, they are strangers who enable you in this weird addiction that society is more accepting of than it should be in my opinion.
Today I'm going to my doctor and I'm admitting that these pills only made me realize that I want to drink because I'm depressed and not because I'm craving alcohol. To be clear, once alcohol gets in my system I find it impossible to stop - so I'm not saying I don't have an addiction. I definitely have a problem with alcohol, but I'm consuming it to feel better/less lonely not because I like the taste, or anything like that. Maybe I'll get prescribed anti-depressants, maybe I'll get a therapist. I refuse to oppose anything that can help me get through this. It is very hard realizing that you are smart, have potential, have drive but there's an obstacle that feels unsurmountable in your way to being great. I hate feeling like anything will stop me. Nothing has stopped me yet and I won't let this stop me either.
It's okay to admit that something isn't working, that you need help, that you can't help yourself. Hopefully today will be a big step forward in my mental health journey. Hopefully today will be day 1 of complete sobriety. I will always keep trying to be my best self. You are your first best friend. You are the author of your story. You are your biggest obstacle.
I hope anyone reading this needing that extra push, or looking at my social medias thinking I was 'killing it in Toronto' realizes that we all struggle and it's okay to admit it.
Happy Monday,
Cropberry XOXO
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