The Difference a Year Can Make
This past week I posted a Youtube video that was essentially a highlight reel of my time in Toronto thus far, and though those moments were 90% lovely, there were obviously hiccups on the way. Social media has a way of forcing people to only convey the positive, the good angle, the highlights - but never the real moments.
As I've made publicly known, my addiction struggle is a real battle. Before I moved here I was definitely drinking every single day, usually binge drinking, barely eating, and in so much debt I could barely afford to move to Toronto. I had countless friends help me from buying my plane ticket for me and letting me pay them back, to storing all the belongs I didn't have time to go through because I was drunk, to cleaning my empty apartment once I left.
I thought I had my demons in check when I got off the plane. You know, the whole 'new place, new me' mantra. Well it's BS. As soon as I had a sip of liquor I was back to this rowdy person (who I do love but she needs to have a seat). I tried to go to school and still party and failed abruptly. As I mentioned in my blog post about medication stigmas, I went to a hospital, got medication and finally started solving my problems.
Though I bragged in that Youtube video about the concerts, events, and hard work I'd put in, there were many hurdles along the way. In 2017 I really lost myself. I wasn't the person I wanted to be, because I've never known. Growing up I was forced to be my mom's best friend - her sole companion. I don't regret that but being the best friend to your alcoholic mom is not what you want to be from the ages of 10 to 22. You want to be free to make your own mistakes and develop your own identity, which I was not able to do. From 22 onward I made catastrophic mistake after catastrophic mistake costing me friendships, family, money and my dignity. Leaving home I knew I needed to figure out who I was in between this girl who got honour roll, was responsible and the party girl who stayed up until 6am and could drink 15 drinks before blacking out. I think I've finally found her. I'm currently, I think (and hope), a fun mix of partying but being responsible and following through with my responsibilities.
With a new school year upon us, I hope that anyone reading this that feels lost finds themselves. It's not easy. I'm somehow only 24 but also feeling like I'm already 24. It's this weird place of having accomplished so much, yet so little and feeling like so much has happened but hoping there's so much more ahead.
Here's hoping my next year in Toronto is just as spectacular and has less set backs. They will happen and I will be prepared.
XOXO,
Cropberry
As I've made publicly known, my addiction struggle is a real battle. Before I moved here I was definitely drinking every single day, usually binge drinking, barely eating, and in so much debt I could barely afford to move to Toronto. I had countless friends help me from buying my plane ticket for me and letting me pay them back, to storing all the belongs I didn't have time to go through because I was drunk, to cleaning my empty apartment once I left.
I thought I had my demons in check when I got off the plane. You know, the whole 'new place, new me' mantra. Well it's BS. As soon as I had a sip of liquor I was back to this rowdy person (who I do love but she needs to have a seat). I tried to go to school and still party and failed abruptly. As I mentioned in my blog post about medication stigmas, I went to a hospital, got medication and finally started solving my problems.
Though I bragged in that Youtube video about the concerts, events, and hard work I'd put in, there were many hurdles along the way. In 2017 I really lost myself. I wasn't the person I wanted to be, because I've never known. Growing up I was forced to be my mom's best friend - her sole companion. I don't regret that but being the best friend to your alcoholic mom is not what you want to be from the ages of 10 to 22. You want to be free to make your own mistakes and develop your own identity, which I was not able to do. From 22 onward I made catastrophic mistake after catastrophic mistake costing me friendships, family, money and my dignity. Leaving home I knew I needed to figure out who I was in between this girl who got honour roll, was responsible and the party girl who stayed up until 6am and could drink 15 drinks before blacking out. I think I've finally found her. I'm currently, I think (and hope), a fun mix of partying but being responsible and following through with my responsibilities.
With a new school year upon us, I hope that anyone reading this that feels lost finds themselves. It's not easy. I'm somehow only 24 but also feeling like I'm already 24. It's this weird place of having accomplished so much, yet so little and feeling like so much has happened but hoping there's so much more ahead.
Here's hoping my next year in Toronto is just as spectacular and has less set backs. They will happen and I will be prepared.
XOXO,
Cropberry
Hi - my name is Judy and I'm with CBC. Hoping to talk to you. Would u mind emailing me? Thanks. judy.trinh@cbc.ca
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