The Stigma Around Medication
I usually post about fun things on this blog. Typically my posts are about makeup reviews, and the things I like, and tidbits about who I am as a person. I like to think of my blog as an informative get away, but this week I thought I'd get a bit more serious. Within the last month there's been some notable suicides in the world of celebrities causing depression to become a topic on everyone's minds. I find when depression is greatly talked about among people again, and resurrected from the dark stigmatized corner it hides in, so do the discussions of 'cures', 'help' and 'solutions'. Now, this is not a post on depression, and I don't believe that a trigger warning is necessary, but this is a post about why it's okay to be on medication, and why needing help and getting help is important no matter what the method is.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I've heard horror stories from my mom about what her childhood was like, as she herself drank those memories away. I remember hating the smell of booze and what it turned my mom into, but I loved her despite her demons and despite the nightmares that haunted her daily. I want to say I don't know at what point my perception of liquor changed, but I do. When my mom got dementia, and forgot who I was, I felt like I lost 75% of the person I am. She had sheltered me so heavily, and made me so solely hers, that once she was away from me and I was free to be whoever I wanted, I didn't know who to be.
You never expect to be the person to fall into the wrong crowd. I always thought the kids who did drugs and drank in high school had bad parents, or no self-motivation. Once my mom was gone, I hung out with the wrong crowd, because they seemed fun and I was so lonely for the first time that I didn't know what to do but hang out with whoever I could and who better to hang out with than people who went to a bar everyday. Basically, drinking became the way I made these 'friends'. These people would be at the bar from when it opened to when it closed and I never had to feel alone. I wasn't alone in my mind, I was surrounded by people and was drinking, feeling like I was on cloud 9. In reality I was drinking to feel like I was having fun so I could stop crying about my mom. I was hanging out with these people because I felt like I couldn't be alone for five seconds without remembering the moment she forgot who I was and reliving it.
Eventually, I realized these friendships were founded on toxicity and a weakness or flaw in our system. I knew inside I wasn't this person who stayed up until 4am, who missed work shifts, who let friends down, but I was doing it. When I moved to Toronto to start over, I really tried to put everything into perspective. Who do you want to be? What are your actual goals?
Moving here helped me force myself into a clean slate, but I still found myself lonely and still turning to alcohol as a way to alleviate this loneliness. I started missing classes because I was hungover and I found myself starting to fall into the same destructive pattern. It was at this point that I finally decided I needed help. I couldn't do this on my own anymore because I was clearly giving into temptation.
I first went to the therapist offered by Ryerson University and was greeted with no judgement - just a really nice woman wanting to help me. I talked about my various addictions, my mom's alcoholism, and how I knew I could beat this but I needed active help. She recommended I go to the substance abuse clinic and Women's College Hospital. They offer a walk in service, with no referral necessary - you just need to have a health card and an addiction. I put it off for a while. It was embarrassing to continue to tell people about these issues. I wanted to be normal, and happy, and able to consume liquor with my friends without needing to black out.
I went to WCH and after seeing a counsellor and a doctor I was prescribed Naltrexone. It works by coating the receptor in my brain that gets too excited about alcohol. Now when I drink I get sleepy, a little nauseous depending on what the liquor is and usually I throw up after 3 or 4 drinks if I try to drink like I used to. Honestly, they really work and it's super strange how it's changed my body's reaction to liquor but I take them with no shame. It doesn't make me less of a person because I take medication to regulate this problem. It's really hard for me to say no to alcohol, and taking these pills makes me feel like I have this problem under control. I can manage this.
Since taking these pills I have maintained going to school, gotten an internship and a full time job. I believe we live in a culture that glorifies alcoholism by using phrases like "I need a drink after this" or "Mama needs her wine" et cetera. Without alcohol my life has improved significantly, but it's nice to be able to be around alcohol and know I can have some and it won't ruin my night, or that I can say no because I have this help. Asking for help is okay for whatever circumstance you need it for. I would rather take these pills than continue to be an alcoholic.
This post was extremely personal, but it's goal is just to help normalize what I'm going through and maybe inform someone who needs Naltrexone but has never even heard of it (warning, it is EXPENSIVE even with coverage). The substance abuse clinic is called Rapid Access Abuse Medical Clinic (RAAM) and is available through various hospitals in Toronto (WCH, St.Michaels to name a few). Don't be afraid to get the help you need and deserve, friends.
XOXO,
Cropberry
Moving here helped me force myself into a clean slate, but I still found myself lonely and still turning to alcohol as a way to alleviate this loneliness. I started missing classes because I was hungover and I found myself starting to fall into the same destructive pattern. It was at this point that I finally decided I needed help. I couldn't do this on my own anymore because I was clearly giving into temptation.
I first went to the therapist offered by Ryerson University and was greeted with no judgement - just a really nice woman wanting to help me. I talked about my various addictions, my mom's alcoholism, and how I knew I could beat this but I needed active help. She recommended I go to the substance abuse clinic and Women's College Hospital. They offer a walk in service, with no referral necessary - you just need to have a health card and an addiction. I put it off for a while. It was embarrassing to continue to tell people about these issues. I wanted to be normal, and happy, and able to consume liquor with my friends without needing to black out.
I went to WCH and after seeing a counsellor and a doctor I was prescribed Naltrexone. It works by coating the receptor in my brain that gets too excited about alcohol. Now when I drink I get sleepy, a little nauseous depending on what the liquor is and usually I throw up after 3 or 4 drinks if I try to drink like I used to. Honestly, they really work and it's super strange how it's changed my body's reaction to liquor but I take them with no shame. It doesn't make me less of a person because I take medication to regulate this problem. It's really hard for me to say no to alcohol, and taking these pills makes me feel like I have this problem under control. I can manage this.
Since taking these pills I have maintained going to school, gotten an internship and a full time job. I believe we live in a culture that glorifies alcoholism by using phrases like "I need a drink after this" or "Mama needs her wine" et cetera. Without alcohol my life has improved significantly, but it's nice to be able to be around alcohol and know I can have some and it won't ruin my night, or that I can say no because I have this help. Asking for help is okay for whatever circumstance you need it for. I would rather take these pills than continue to be an alcoholic.
This post was extremely personal, but it's goal is just to help normalize what I'm going through and maybe inform someone who needs Naltrexone but has never even heard of it (warning, it is EXPENSIVE even with coverage). The substance abuse clinic is called Rapid Access Abuse Medical Clinic (RAAM) and is available through various hospitals in Toronto (WCH, St.Michaels to name a few). Don't be afraid to get the help you need and deserve, friends.
XOXO,
Cropberry
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